the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I wish there were birth control emojis
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
