On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
