Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
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