I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize