I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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