I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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