Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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