I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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