My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Randomize