I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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