Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
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