Please, let me fuck your mom
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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