i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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