thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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