You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
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