So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
