Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
