My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
