im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
