What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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