I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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