Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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