Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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