Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
