Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
