Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
