His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
