Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
