What did we do last night that was yellow?
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Who wears a wallet chain?!
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
