somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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