so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize