i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
