Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
