3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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