peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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