I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
