Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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