I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
