you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Help. Why am I so naked?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
