So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
