Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I could have mohawked her pubes.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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