The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
soo... how was my night?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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