why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
