I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
