If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
