...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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