and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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