That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
