I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
