I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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