I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
