I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
