so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
