I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize