I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Randomize
