you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
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