There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
