I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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