Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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