I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize