Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
