You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
