I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
