I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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