Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
