i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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