dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
