Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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